6 Tips for Overcoming Self-Doubt

When we don’t consistently feel good about ourselves, we’re more likely to experience anxiety and depression, struggle with eating disorders and substance abuse, give up when faced with challenges, and struggle in friendships and romantic relationships. We’re also less likely to ask directly for needed support, relying instead on tactics like sulking or complaining that tend to dissuade others from lending an ear (or hand).

Negative self-talk (“I can’t possibly do this!” “I’m such a screw-up!”), which stems from and reinforces low self-esteem, can also severely impact our cognitive and motor performance, sapping our ability to focus and inclining us to make more mistakes.

Feeling badly about who we are does little to bolster our well-being and quality of life. If you’re ready to start feeling better about yourself, here are sick strategies to try today.

1. Write down the negative statements you say about yourself. Challenge each one.

Often, negative self-statements are vague and extreme. Think: “I suck.” Or, "Nobody loves me."

For every negative self-statement, disprove it with a counter-statement or list one or more events where the negative self-statement wasn’t fulfilled.

Example: “I suck.”

Counter-statement: “My beloved grandmother thought highly of me and would be appalled to learn anyone thought I sucked.”

Contradicting event: “My coworker said I was really helpful last week.”

Example: “Nobody loves me.”

Counter-statement: “I can't prove or know how others feel about me." "I know at least [family member/friend] loves me."

Contradicting event: "X told me they loved me when I was Y years old." "I felt loved by an acquaintance's pet when I dog sat for them."

2. Make a personal "Greatest Hits" list.

Write down—in chronological order or from most to least meaningful—all your accomplishments to date. From these, generate fact-based affirmations.

Example: “I aced a test in college/high school”

Affirmation: “I’m capable of learning and demonstrating my knowledge about X subject.”

Example: “I landed a job at X company.”

Affirmation: “Other people recognized my talent and ability to do X”

Think, also, of setbacks you’ve recovered from. Generate affirmations from those, too.

Example: “I never thought I’d get over that breakup with Y. But eventually, I got on with my life.”

Affirmation: “I’m capable of healing from emotional pain.” “I didn’t let Y ruin my life.”

3. Learn about others' mistakes.

It’s helpful to realize how not alone we are in massively messing something up. Everyone has at least one major oops! moment (I’d venture most have multiple). Ask friends, colleagues or teachers you have a good rapport with, classmates, or family members what their biggest mistakes or failures have been—and what they learned from them. Or, search for public figures’ massive mess-ups in articles, books, and movies. (There’s no shortage.) You’ll quickly realize your biggest mistakes aren’t that bad by comparison—and you may get some helpful tips on how folks who screwed up big time built up their resilience.

4. Seek help from someone you feel safe with.

Sometimes negative self-statements (“I’ve never had a successful relationship,” “I can’t hold down a real job”) offer windows into characteristics or behavioral patterns you may benefit from shifting a bit. This doesn’t mean you’re a bad person! It just means you and your quality of life might benefit from learning some extra skills or practicing some new behaviors—albeit with the guidance of someone who won’t shame you or act condescendingly when providing help.

If you feel you “can’t hack it” in relationships, seek a licensed mental healthcare professional who specializes in interpersonal challenges to strategize some self-improvement techniques (think: emotion regulation, communication, and active listening skills) that benefit both your romantic and platonic connections. If it’s not being able to hold down a job, consult a career counselor. You may also want to reach out to a trusted religious or community leader for guidance.

5. Do something that makes you feel better about yourself—daily.

Hold the door for someone. Compliment a friend or co-worker. Express gratitude to someone else. Help a friend, family member, or colleague in need of assistance with something. Often it's through helping others that we see our value reflected—and, as a result, feel better about who we are and how others see us.

You can also do something that makes you feel competent—a task you know you’re capable of doing well, that helps you feel like you’re good at something. Clean or organize an area in your home or office. Create a piece of art or poetry. Cook your favorite recipe. Put together a nice outfit for yourself or someone else. Do someone else’s hair or makeup. Keep a list of activities that increase your sense of competency and consult it when in doubt.

6. Spend more time with supportive others.

Spending time with people who criticize you or reinforce negative self-beliefs isn’t helpful. Make it a point to spend more time with friends, family, or colleagues who validate your perspective, respect your basic dignity, and encourage you to strive towards personal goals.

If you don’t have these people in your life, try meeting them through self-help or support groups; events or courses catered to specific interests and activities; or seek out a local religious or spiritual community that feels welcoming and aligns with your values.

Fostering positive connections also means setting boundaries with people who make you feel bad about yourself. Rehearse setting non-combative but firm boundaries with them. Think: “I appreciate your point but I’m not comfortable being spoken to with such disrespect.” “I’m going to leave/hang up if you continue to yell at me like that.” “I’m not available to do that favor for you but hopefully you can find someone else to help!”

Practicing at least one of these strategies each day can help you to start seeing yourself in a more favorable light. Don't be surprised if, when this happens, the world around you starts to seem a little bit brighter, too.

Why Some People Keep Going Back to Their Ex

You may feel ridiculous for resuming relations with someone you swore you’d never speak (or sleep) with again. Especially if you’ve disavowed them several times only to find yourself stalking their instagram late at night and firing off later-regretted texts about how much you miss them. Getting back with an ex isn’t a terribly uncommon experience. There’s even an official term for it in the scientific literature: relationship churning. Though more common among adolescents and younger adults, individuals of all ages are known to engage in the behavior, including married couples.

Rekindling an old flame isn’t an inherently bad decision. But it can complicate things when you’re pretty convinced this person isn’t “the one.” And it may endanger you if a relationship was characterized by physical or emotional abuse, deep betrayal, dishonesty, or manipulation.

Why, then, do we go back to our exes? Moreover, how do we stop if we really want to? Below, a look at the neuroscience and psychology behind relationship churning and the key to upending the pattern.

The Reward of The Familiar

When we fall in love, brain centers involved in detecting reward, feeling motivated, and experiencing pleasure become highly engaged and awash in dopamine (a neurotransmitter implicated in reward seeking, pleasure, and learning). Research in prairie voles (mammals who, like us, tend towards monogamous pair bonding) shows that this “dopaminergic activity” creates a distinct neural imprint activated exclusively by a partner’s presence—not by anyone else.

Dopamine surges serve to alter our neural circuitry, making it easier to repeat behaviors associated with that rush. This is the basis of habit formation. If your neurochemistry has been calibrated to distinctly respond to a former partner, you will (similar to a person craving a substance) yearn for the high of connecting with that person. This can lead you to leap back into a relationship (or a fleeting tryst) with them even after you’ve ended things. Consider it akin to a relapse—that is, if the person genuinely isn’t good for you, or vice versa.

You Can’t Make Sense of Yourself Without Them

When we end a long term romantic relationship, we quite literally lose a part of ourselves. Researchers describe this as the diminishment of “self concept clarity,” and they find that individuals who have an anxious attachment style tend to experience this post-breakup phenomenon especially hard. This is likely because anxiously attached individuals pay far greater attention to (read: monitor) their relationships and are more apt to adopt their partner’s attributes to increase closeness and intimacy. As a result, when they and their partner split, it can feel as if they’re losing a limb. Whether or not you identify with having an anxious attachment style, if you find yourself repeatedly rekindling ties with your ex, the dissolution of your sense of self could have something to do with it. Each time you reconnect with that former love, you feel (transiently) whole again. Even if you may know, deep down, that person may not be the best for you.

Avoidance of Discomfort

Most of us don’t enjoy the emotional pain or discomfort that breakups bring. Not wanting to feel this discomfort can drive us back towards the person who historically alleviated this suffering. Loneliness, too, can be a huge factor in compelling us to call up a former lover, even if we kind of sort of know things weren’t working out with them for a reason.

This phenomenon is especially prominent when you attempt to date again, only to feel that loneliness, pain, and sadness heightened by the process—often, because you’re just not hitting it off with new people and this reality highlights how much harder it is on the other side of a breakup. The solution may seem like reconnecting with the person who took away these feelings for a time—even if you know that in the long term this isn’t the wisest decision.

How to Actually End Things

If you really want to end things with a person and you’re finding it impossible, you may have to commit to a period of time wherein you don’t reinforce the neural pathways associated with connecting to them. This doesn’t just mean not seeing or talking to them. It means not providing your brain with the dopamine hits of stalking their Instagram, Linkedin, or other social media. The ease with which we can pull up past partner’s online presences doesn’t make this…easy. If you’re serious about ending things, though, you must cut yourself off from this input as it only reinforces the cravings you have for your ex. Consider this the romantic analog of detoxing from a substance.

Making a breakup stick requires weathering the pain of loss, allowing grief, and trusting that your heart (and neural circuitry) will heal. If this seems futile, consider again that prairie vole study: heightened activity of dopamine elicited by proximity to long term mates was shown to die off after a substantial period of separation.

Sure, we’ve got a few genetic flourishes that differentiate us from these animals, but this study suggests that enough time and distance can reduce (and possibly eliminate) the pull we experience towards an ex partner. The exact time length will differ depending on the depth of your former relationship. But some (human) studies suggest healing can start within three months.

This doesn’t mean you need to stop thinking of your ex altogether. Some research finds nostalgic memories of your ex can positively influence future relationships by enhancing your belief that you’ve grown and matured. But first you need to weaken the automaticity of reconnecting with that ex by committing to a substantial time period of no reinforcement. Getting adequate social support, finding a breakup support group and/or a trusted therapist, traveling if you can, and reconnecting with creative endeavors can all facilitate this process. So too can understanding the underlying neuroscience behind why breaking the habit of going back to your former partner sometimes feel impossible—even though it’s most certainly not.

4 Surprising Things That Can Keep You Up at Night

You probably already know that caffeine, blue light, stress, and unquiet environments prevent you from getting a good night’s sleep. If you don’t, here’s a recap: Caffeine blocks a receptor in our brain for adenosine, a substance that makes us feel sleepy. Blue light from screens and devices shuts down the production of melatonin, another substance that makes us feel sleepy. Stress kicks our arousal system into gear and prompts the pumping out of cortisol and adrenaline, which kills sleepiness. And unquiet environments jolt us awake, increase stress, and interfere with falling asleep in the first place.

You might not know, however, that there are other sleep-wreckers that are far more insidious because few people know of their impact. Below are four not-so-obvious slumber disruptors—and what to do about them. Address each one and you may just find yourself waking up far more refreshed.

1. Dust Mites

These microscopic pests accumulate on bed linens, carpets, and stuffed animals. They feed on dead skin cells, which we shed about 500 million of daily. Dead skin cells actually comprise most of the dust in our homes and they’re abundantly heaped in our sheets, given that we spend about 6 to 8 hours or more in bed each night. Higher concentrations of dust mites have been linked with more intense insomnia symptoms in children and adults due to the allergic response many humans have to them.

To reduce this sleep disruptor, wash your sheets once weekly, vacuum your bedroom at least twice a week, and be sure to dust any curtains, blinds, or other surfaces where dust readily accumulates just as often. You should also wash stuffed animals once a month or throw them in a drying machine (on hot) for about 20 minutes. Better yet, keep the stuffies off your kids’ beds (or your own, no judgment)—though this is easier said than done.

2. Wakefulness Cues

Watching TV, eating, talking on the phone, or doing anything other than sleeping and having sex in your bed is not a wise idea. This is because every non-sleep-related activity becomes associated in your brain with the cue of wakefulness, which you definitely don’t want to activate when you’re trying to curl up and get some Z’s.

Even if you live in a very small room, it's critical that you preserve your bed for sleep-related activities only. (Sex is an exception because research shows orgasms help improve sleep quality and latency—a.k.a., how long it takes you to fall asleep). Get a folding desk and small chair to eat and watch Netflix and keep your phone out of reach (and sight!!) when your head hits the pillows. The mere presence of your phone can keep you awake thinking of all the texts and emails you need to respond to, or all the posts you want to write on social media, and this is not at all conducive to sleep.

Some research shows that people's physiological arousal increases when they perceive a need to respond to a message but physically cannot. This doesn't even begin to account for the emotional and physiological activation that occurs when we flip through reams of short reels on Instagram or TikTok.

Invest in a physical alarm clock and start practicing the high art of turning off your devices (does that terrify you?) 30 minutes to 1 hour before you’d like to be asleep to handle this one. Yes, it's hard but yes you can do it—and it will get easier over time as you build the proverbial muscle to unplug from your coveted devices.

3. Clutter

Clutter in your bedroom also functions as a wakefulness cue, often because it calls to us ever so subtly to be cleaned up and organized, and also because it’s stressful to be in an unkempt and disorganized environment. Seeing everything that remains undone can increase our anxiety (the anticipation of a future threat—e.g., of cleaning, of being judged, of hearing internalized judgments from others in our past about our upkeep)—another negative influence on our odds of falling and staying asleep.

You don’t need to Marie Kondo you’re entire home, but at least having spaces to put stray items, papers, books, and clothes can make a significant difference to your peace of mind.

4. Pills and Swills

Substances of all kinds can interfere with sleep, including commonly prescribed ones. On the OTC side, decongestants can trigger insomnia due to the stimulants they contain that help un-stuff your nose (namely: phenylephrine, pseudoephedrine). When it comes to prescriptions, beware that many SSRIs and SNRIs (commonly prescribed antidepressants) can increase insomnia. Be sure to discuss with your prescriber any changes in your sleep that you observe after taking these medications.

Not all antidepressants carry this risk (those acting on histamine receptors, like mirtazapine or mianserine, or at melatonin receptors, like agomelatine, tend to promote sleepiness and sleep) and adjunctive sleep aids can be taken to mitigate any sleepless side effects from those that do. The same goes for any prescription steroids, which promote arousal.

Ask your local pharmacist about the potential side effects of any prescriptions or supplements you’re taking (pharmacists tend to be a bit more accessible than prescribers if you need medication-related info sooner rather than later) and consider working with your physician to change the time at which you take any sleep-disrupting meds for better sleep results.

Alcohol also remains a major contributor to insomnia. Yes, it helps conk you out quickly, but it suppresses REM sleep throughout the night and contributes to wakefulness. Try to give yourself a few more sober nights if you’re feeling too exhausted the days after happy hours.

What if I'm Still Not Sleeping?

For those of us who still experience too much wakefulness overnight no matter what we do, it may be worth finding a CBT-I therapist (cognitive behavioral therapy for insomnia has been shown to improve sleep hygiene and efficacy by maximizing environmental and behavioral tweaks that make sleep more regular). Having a visit with your primary care provider to review your current medication and diet, and explore some prescription sleep aids if necessary is another option.

If you’re struggling with sleep, don’t lose hope. There are many things you can change about your environment and lifestyle to promote a better night’s rest. Start with the items listed in this post and you might already begin to feel a difference.